DEFENSIVE DEBRIEF: WEST HAM 4-0 WOLVES
Capital punishment
Sunday evenings should be a time for gloomily looking forward to the working week ahead. Or for the BBC to stick out programmes of people singing in a church and old folk asking strange men in bow ties how much their tat is worth "for insurance purposes only". Not watching your team get absolutely humped by opposition that could generously be described as humdrum (opposition that over the last two years had lost to us by an aggregate of 8-0). It's not a great feeling.
There was a hell of a lot wrong with yesterday's performance. In fact it's easier to say what was right. Rui Patricio manfully kept the scoreline down and couldn't be faulted for any of the goals, Pedro Neto kept trying hard and looked the most likely to do anything and er, that's about your lot. But what annoys me most about such displays are bad goals. Goals that have the streak of error running right through them, where at multiple times you can see just how badly we've got it wrong - not an erroneous moment from an individual, but multiple sins culminating in the inevitable. So we'll try to have a look at each of the four (sigh) in detail and walk through the detritus.
West Ham 1-0 Wolves (Bowen 17)
It all starts with a simple ball up to Michail Antonio, who despite being about as subtle as Status Quo, has his qualities. Despite being 30 he's still quick, he's definitely strong and he can hold the ball up. We never got to grips with this during the entire game. Here we've got ourselves into a bit of a strange position. The midfield wasn't there to cut out the ball in the first place, Conor Coady is miles away and not influencing the play at all, and Willy Boly has already got himself on the wrong side.
Which means he ends up giving away a daft free kick. Albeit one well inside West Ham's half.
But no mate, you take it from the halfway line, on you go. While the ball's moving too. Now while I can't blame Martin Atkinson for the defeat, that is pathetic refereeing. Joe Cole and Peter Crouch at half time seemed to think it was ok as it was close enough to where the offence took place. It's nowhere bloody near. Maybe Ruben Neves can move a free kick four yards nearer the goal next time seeing as that's apparently fine now. But anyway. We've already switched off a touch and let Jarrod Bowen get into some space unattended.
However Romain Saiss recovers well enough and this isn't the worst position to be in. No immediate danger, no floods of support. Just keep him going away from goal.
Ah. Anyone who has ever watched Bowen play knows that he's all left foot. You cannot let him get into that kind of position. A decent position becomes a terrible one and critically, one absolutely tailor made for this opponent. Good finish and 1-0.
West Ham 2-0 Wolves (Bowen 57)
Into the second half and this doesn't look all bad. We're on the attack, we've got a number of bodies forward and Raul's on the ball. Can we make something happen?
No we can't, as for the umpteenth time on the night, Raul runs into trouble and falls over for no reason. I love you man, but that was a honking display all round. We've pushed on and we're obviously looking for a goal at this point, so a potential break is on when West Ham recover the ball.
Boly is too far up the field having tried to support the failed attack, and now we have Conor Coady exactly where we never want him. Pulled out into the channels, dealing with a fast, strong forward.
Because this is exactly what is likely to happen inside a couple of seconds. We're in trouble here.
To try to cover the danger, everyone has got far too pulled over to our right. We're way out of balance. What's in shot doesn't look too bad, but it's everything out on the other side that's the problem now.
There's no-one close enough to Pablo Fornals to stop him getting a shot away, and it turns out he's far better from that range than he is from six yards out in front of an open goal (it should be noted that we were very, very, very fortunate to have only conceded once at half time).
Off the post and it falls straight to Bowen. Maybe a bit fortunate as it could have gone anywhere, but meh. This happens. Us being on the attack on the edge of the box to the ball in the back of our net in 18 seconds.
West Ham 3-0 Wolves (Jimenez OG 66)
There's a bit of a mystery going on here that to return to the Sunday evening theme, even Miss Marple wouldn't be able to solve. We had a goal kick about 30 seconds before this (which probably should have been a corner, but anyway). In their infinite wisdom, BT Sport decided to stop showing the action for a bit and cut to Stuart Pearce talking on his 1992 landline, presumably to David Moyes. Yeah, we get it guys, Moyesie has got the lergy and he's at home. Stop going on about it. Next we saw, West Ham had a throw level with the edge of our own box. How on earth did we manage to do that? From there they forced this corner, where everything looks reasonably well set up. No stupid mismatches, everyone seems well enough covered.
Hmm. We've somehow managed to lose Tomas Soucek completely and he's got a free header at the near stick. Losing a set of car keys I can see. Losing a 6'4'' bloke who has a reputation of scoring headed goals, less so. Now again, there's a bit of luck here as that header's going straight at Rui until Raul's chest/shoulder intervenes and loops it in. But if you mark like that, you get what you deserve.
West Ham 4-0 Wolves (Haller 90+3)
Ki-Jana Hoever was a moderate plus point when he came on. It's not ideal to make your debut at 3-0 down but he looked quick, composed on the ball, willing to get forward and decent in the air. All the reports when we signed him were that we had a very good player there and the extremely early signs are broadly good. Here he's got Arthur Masuaku covered well enough. Let's just get off the park, eh lads.
Yet inside a couple of seconds, he's dropped off for some reason and now Masuaku has far too much space. There's nothing like enough pressure on that ball, it's too easy to get a cross in. I get that it's been a bruising evening and we all just want it to end, but I've spent much of the last decade watching Matt Doherty stand that far away from wingers and wave his leg half-heartedly to stop crosses. I don't need someone doing a tribute act, thanks. Mind you, the situation in the middle doesn't look particularly dangerous. Nothing is screaming goal here.
Unless of course, Saiss totally misjudges the flight of the ball, gets caught under it and it all means he's lost Sébastien Haller without the striker even having to make a run.
And indeed he doesn't even have to jump to plant his neat header beyond poor old Rui. Not entirely sure about Ruben Vinagre standing and watching either, not that he's that likely to have influenced matters given how weak he is in the air.
Mercifully it ended more or less straight after. Four bloody nil. Someone get me a drink.
There's an opportunity to put this all right this coming Sunday at home to Fulham. We do tend to react to setbacks well and Nuno obviously has his ideas on how we evolve as a team. You have to trust that he'll get it right. However - we're a team that is fundamentally built on clean sheets, solidity at the back and not conceding high amounts of clear cut chances. West Ham genuinely could have had seven or eight last night. That can't continue, and however moderate the opposition might look on paper, if you don't turn up in this league, you will get turned over.
Over to you, boss.